There's no place like home.

I did not know it would feel like THIS, it's like I am having the rug pulled from below me and I'm landing flat on my face. Zimbabwe was my home for 19years and it's part of me but now it's disappearing very fast.

How to describe it .. I feel like a schizophrenic. Whilst on the flight home from Switzerland I realised that I have such an emotional few months coming up. For the past couple of days I have been scared to leave the house without my Ipod and sunglasses (luckily the rain yesterday masked my tears), it's a dark and blurred sadness. So yesterday this V for Volunteer became an X for absent. My mother texted me last night to say my mini had been sold. Ouch! This car was a massive part of my identity for a few years - every morning it had 4 of my friends and I going to work in it, we generally took turns in driving (much to my father's concern for insurance purposes) - everyone loved this little machine. At night we zoomed around the suburbs, visiting people, joyriding, transporting up to 11people at a time to the hotspots. It even took my sense of smell away for around 3 years - one evening there were too many friends needing a lift home so 2 of us sat on the bonnet, but I fell off and was put in hospital with a head injury (...well that explains everything). Oh the memories.

My dog Winston, my blind silly mutt! He had juvenile cataracts when he was 2 years old, which stole his vision from him. I recall returning from that vet visit and sitting in the bottom of our garden crying - whilst he pranced about like the happiest Labrador ever. He obviously made a blue print of the house because he found his way around perfectly - accept when the gardener moved the potplants about or Winston ran into them for pure comical value to humour the crowds. Out of our many pets this dog knew me the best, when I was happy he would let me be, but when I was feeling down he wouldn't leave my side.

When I asked my mom how she was feeling yesterday she replied 'very sad'. She is selling off their life. Understandably she's feeling numb.

So, I'm crying a lot right now. But expressing these emotions are best way I can deal with this and writing is a healing tool in itself. I don't think my first break-up hurt this much! But that's where the schizophrenia plays its part. I am incredibly grateful for this experience! All this pain demolishes silly habits like believing money is security, feeling the need for a big career, needing ego reinforcements from people or alcohol etc, fashion and all the other stuff. Instead I get so much exhilaration from the small things; seeing a toddler look at his mother and giggle, smiling at people, positive coincidences, giving and taking, trips to the library where I can access thousands of ideas on just about everything, spending time in nature and watching flowers glow with radiance, building raw yet real and enlightening friendships with people. My world is enriched and everyone is connected, we are here together - and I have never seen anything more beautiful!

The first world looks at Africa and says, 'Oh these poor people, sitting there with flies on their faces.' Well my friends, there is a lot we need to learn from you, but, you should lower your ego and realise we have something that you want - joy in simplicity!